


Not so Human Resources (Office Kanekis)

by Half_SubmergedinPurgatory



Series: TG Prompt Collection [17]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: 4 Kanekis!, Arima adopts everyone, Crack, Easter Eggs if you look for them, Gen, Matsuri is a perv, Prompt Fic, Sasako - Freeform, Shironeki - Freeform, Shironeki runs a motorcycle gang, The Kanekis work in HR and crush sexism beneath their heels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 04:09:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8189222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_SubmergedinPurgatory/pseuds/Half_SubmergedinPurgatory
Summary: ANONYMOUS:Are you open for any requests? Um, how about an AU with Sasaneki having to manage the CCG HR department? (Cue office shenanigans. Bonuses for Arima, Suzuya, Matsuri being an ass, nipping sexual harassment/discrimination in the bud, better coffee for all, and putting his foot down b/c, damn it, how the hell is this ship even functioning?! Haise or Kaneki, up to you.)-You can prompt me @ purgatoryandme.tumblr.com/ask/ or search for answered prompts under /drabbles/-





	

Down on her luck and with nowhere to go, Sasako considered the job listing she had found for the CCG’s newly instated HR department a blessing. Sure, it had been kinda weird that every copy of the listing was crumbled in a trash bin and had “DO NOT APPLY” printed on the front in red sharpie, but Sasako figured that was a blessing too.   
  
If no one else applied, she was sure to get the job!

* * *

On the opposite end of the city, Kaneki Ken, dirt-poor college student, was handed the same listing by his best friend. Sure, Hide’s job suggestions in the past had all been sketchy ( _maid cafes…hostess clubs…modelling_ ), but there was no way this could go wrong.   
  
Kaneki could be a normal, generic, totally forgettable secretary!

* * *

Shiro, the ( _half-ghoul_ ) leader of the infamous Centipede motorcycle gang, needed a cover job to safely excuse his sizeable income. He couldn’t risk reducing his expenses - he had the Anteiku family to support. When he found the listing for the CCG’s latest position, he’d been delighted.   
  
He could nudge humanity’s opinion about ghouls in the right direction and all he’d have to do would be answer a couple phones. 

* * *

“We only have 3 applicants for a 4 person job, Yoshitoki. We need more people for the HR department.”   
  
Marude complained at his long-time friend, dumping another packet of sugar ( _his 10th_ ) into his morning coffee. The new department was going to fail at this rate and public opinion was at an all-time low. The Centipede gang had been essentially acting as friendly yakuza in the city, openly admitting ghoul members, and was screwing with the CCG’s mostly tip-based business.   
  
They really needed this to work out ( _Marude sighed to himself and resolutely pretended he didn’t have a Centipede poster at home_ ).   
  
“How about we take Investigator Sasaki off the streets for awhile?”  
  
Matsuri suddenly changed the topic ( _Marude grumbled in irritation - this issue was important!_ ).   
  
“Mat-”  
  
“I’m sure he’d be an extremely attra- I mean, competent secretary.”  
  
Matsuri finished, smirking at Marude choked on his coffee.   
  
( _He did not think about Haise dressed as a sexy secretary_ )   
  
( _He DID NOT_ )   
  
( _…_ )  
  
( _…he totally did_ )

* * *

Outside of the interview room, all the job applicants cast a critical eye at one another. Something was…a little off. Kaneki couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Shiro, on the other hand, didn’t have the same problem at all.   
  
“Why do we all look the same? Are we related? Twins? Oh no, I can’t let Tsukiyama find out about this.”  
  
He muttered to Kaneki, though his gaze strayed to Sasako as well. Sasako stared at him in confusion as Kaneki groaned and hid his face in his hands ( _Hide probably had something to do with this - he always did_ ).   
  
“We don’t look alike at all!”  
  
Sasako protested, gesturing to her generous chest,   
  
“The only twins here are these!”   
  
This time, Shiro groaned along with Kaneki ( _this was going to be a long day_ ). 

* * *

Haise, the head of their department, was exactly like Sasako. They literally made the same joke, though Haise’s was aimed at his own…assets.   
  
God, it was like a terrible family reunion.

* * *

“Here are your uniforms.”  
  
The blonde woman said, passing the four of them black garment bags. She smirked ( _something Shiro immediately felt suspicious of_ ) and slipped out of the room before he could question her any further. Soon, he realized why.   
  
He was still frozen in shock along with Kaneki ( _someone he was already considering a long-lost brother_ ) when Sasako and Haise started getting dressed _**right there**_.   
  
“WHY IS THIS A SEXY SECRETARY UNIFORM! THERE ARE FISHNETS!”  
  
He screamed, completely steamrolling Kaneki’s whisper of,   
  
“Not again…”

* * *

“This is sexual harassment, sir.”  
  
Kaneki mumbled, avoiding eye contact with his new bosses ( _the Washuus…?_ ) and focusing on Shiro’s deathgrip on the uniform instead. Interestingly, it actually looked like the fabric was ripping underneath his hands ( _he must be really strong…scary_ ).   
  
“We won’t know if your uniforms are _**sexual**_ unless you try them on.”  
  
One of his bosses ( _the guy with glasses and a crew cut_ ) leered at him. Kaneki shrank into himself, already regretting taking on this job, when he heard something snap.   
  
Shiro was gripping the desk in front of them.   
  
It was splintered beneath his hands.   
  
“I’ll count backwards from 1000 by 7s. If I reach 0 before these uniforms are swapped out, you’ll find out exactly what _**true humiliation**_ feels like.”  
  
Shiro growled, tucking Kaneki behind himself with a terrifyingly blank expression.

* * *

Their new uniforms were well-fitted pinstripe suits. Haise and Sasako were both nonplussed, but Kaneki was grateful.  
  
Shiro bitched about the white stripes showing blood ( _Kaneki was even more grateful…maybe Shiro wouldn’t commit any murders if they required washing the suit_ ). 

* * *

“Huh…”  
  
Haise mumbled at his desk, sounding worried. Kaneki glanced up from the spreadsheet of complaints he was analyzing ( _apparently people in the 20th ward wanted the CCG to back off of a motorcycle gang he’d never heard of_ ).   
  
“What’s the problem, Haise?”   
  
He asked, wandering over to his superior’s side at the same time that Sasako wheeled herself over.   
  
“Someone left an anonymous complain. They say the coffee here ‘tastes like a steaming pile of garbage.’”  
  
Haise said, sifting through the pile of notes.  
  
“I guess I haven’t _ **bean**_ here long enough to notice.”  
  
Sasako chortled, elbowing Haise as he huffed out a laugh,  
  
“This next one is complaining about the lack of flavours for the coffee as well. Apparently they want something…like raspberry truffles? White chocolate? Pudding flavours?”  
  
Kaneki quirked a smile at that ( _and Haise peered into his pockets where Kaneki knew he stored several candies in those exact flavours_ ).   
  
“I never took Juuzou for a coffee person.”  
  
Kaneki said, then quickly wheeled himself over to Shiro ( _office chairs were so much fun_ ).   
  
“You used to be a barista, right Shiro?”  
  
He asked, cocking his head to the side as Shiro pretended to shield his eyes.  
  
“Don’t use that cute bullshit on me, Kaneki. I’ll take care of the coffee.”  
  
He answered, his grin taking on a slightly maniacal tilt ( _Kaneki didn’t get it, but whatever made Shiro happy was fine with him_ ). 

* * *

Anteiku’s coffee was fantastic in Haise’s opinion. Their delivery person, who only ever entered through the back of the building, was kindof suspicious, but Shiro had given them his seal of approval.   
  
Everyone was happier and that was all that mattered. 

* * *

“We don’t have enough women in this agency.”  
  
Sasako glared at her powerpoint and jabbed her laserpointer in Haise’s general direction.   
  
“Too many Cs and too few Gs! This lack of equality cannot stand!”   
  
Haise agreed, squinting at the severely unbalanced numbers Sasako’s internal research had revealed.   
  
“There’s plenty of female students in the academy.”  
  
Shiro said with a frown, flipping back and forth in the file Sasako had provided him with.   
  
“Why don’t they join the CCG?”  
  
Kaneki wondered out loud. Sasako flashed him a thumbs up, a sign he had asked the right question, and he flushed proudly ( _God, he was cute. Sasako had always wanted a son like him!_ ).   
  
“They do join. However, very few of them manage to get promoted through the ranks and inevitably quit. The salary for lower investigators isn’t enough to sustain anyone who wants a family. Additionally, we have terrible maternity leave.”  
  
She stated, nodding sharply at Haise who had developed a thunderous expression ( _good, he cared about children as much as she did_ ). Surprisingly, Shiro had an equally strong murderface going for him.   
  
“Daycare. We need a daycare system.”  
  
Shiro blurted, his fingers already flying over the keyboard of his laptop. Haise’s rapid typing quickly joined in. Sasako leaned back proudly and patted Kaneki’s silky-smooth hair.   
  
“Do you want to design the proposal? You’re a talented writer.”  
  
She murmured, basking in the return of Kaneki’s pleased grin.

* * *

“Of course _**she**_ wants the CCG to waste money on childcare. Honestly, all that matters is our effectiveness in the field. Women just can’t-”  
  
Someone was muttering in the halls. Saiko pressed herself behind a potted plant and frowned to herself. Her maman treated them like his kids, so clearly it wasn’t only women who cared. Why were they-  
  
*Click, click click*  
  
Came the sound of high heels down the hall. Saiko froze in place and listened to the muttering taper off as either Akira of Aura approached. They were the only ones who wore killer heels to work, though Saiko wasn’t sure why. Eventually, a voice joined the sound of those shoes but…  
  
It wasn’t the voice she expected.  
  
“Hello, _**boys**_.”  
  
Shiro’s voice was dripping with condescension,  
  
“There’s been a couple whispers around here that Sasako is the only one who cares what you say to female employees.”  
  
His tone had fallen into a dangerous register,  
  
“There’s also been whispers about what you think about the uniform…something about…”  
  
A stomp, a pained yelp, and Saiko couldn’t resist peeking around the corner.  
  
“Skirts only being meant for spreading their legs?”  
  
Shiro was wearing a pencil skirt, blouse, and blood-red Louis Vuitton stilettos. He was also stabbing a senior investigator in the foot with one of them. God, Saiko was in love.   
  
“I’ll change your uniforms, just watch me.”  
  
Shiro threatened, grinding his heel a little further in as the man before him whimpered.   
  
“Sasako and Haise will sew it to come apart the moment you bend over. Or maybe they’ll make it fall into pieces as a bikini, hrmmm? Maybe they’ll just make you wearing a sticker on your lapel - ‘Hello, I am a pervert’. How does that sound?”  
  
Yep, Saiko was in love.

* * *

“Arima-san, the janitors have filed a formal complaint about shoe-prints on the table.”  
  
Kaneki mumbled, clutching his clipboard in front of his body. He’d been chasing after the CCG’s reaper all day and had finally found him trying to instigate another tabletop duel. Ui was casting him a grateful look for interrupting, so Kaneki desperately smothered his urge to flee ( _Arima was watching him like a hawk though_ ).   
  
“What do I get if I agree to duel in socks?”  
  
Arima said, somehow completely missing the point of the complaint ( _it wasn’t normal to fight on tables!_ ). He watched Kaneki flounder for an answer for a few moments before finally ( _frighteningly_ ) smiling.  
  
“I’m adopting you.”  
  
He said, causing Kaneki’s brain to completely stopped functioning. Ui patted his head sympathetically and left alongside his boss.   
  
“Wha-”

* * *

There were adoption papers on Kaneki’s desk.  
  
“Oh cool,”  
  
Haise was saying, reading them over,   
  
“We can finally be real brothers!”

* * *

Shiro refused to sign his own set several weeks later. Sasako signed hers. 

* * *

Shiro lost a tabletop duel and gained a new dad. He seemed oddly pleased, all things considered.


End file.
